Speed

Today I started the new medication for my ADD.

Needless to say, I had high hopes. After years of never realizing I had this afflicition, I anticipated that some things in my life were now going to change. Maybe now I'd be able to focus on the important things in life. Relationships, family, work, socializing etc. And maybe I'd finally be able to carry on a decent conversation on the phone without being distracted by........hey, look a kitty!

Where was I?

Ah yes, my new meds. I was told that it was a stimulant called "Provigil". An Amphetamine.

Amphetamine? You mean......"speed."

Ok, no problem. I trust my doctor. If he thinks this the right drug for me, then I'll try it. Then again, I sometimes think he's on drugs himself.

So I took my first one this morning. I started to feel a little funny shortly afterwards. A little anxious, a little jittery, a little WHOA.....this stuff is strong!!!!

Little did I realize that this drug should NOT be taken with caffiene or sugar.

Well now, let's see. I had big bowl of SUGAR frosted flakes for breakfast and 20 oz. Mountain Dew before I took my "speed" pill. Now I am about to start work.

Uh oh. Better fasten your seat belts.

Sure enough, the jittery feeling gave way to an EXPLOSION of energy.

WOOOOOOW....LET'S GO TO WORK!!!!!!

Ok...I'm an exterminator and I have 13 stops to make today. A full day....let's get rolling!!

For some reason I felt the need to "sprint" to my work truck. Inviting others to join in the fun by proclaiming to my confused co-workers "Race Ya!"

I fired up my truck. VROOOOOOOOM! "LET'S GO KILL SOME BUGS!!!"

I peeled out of the parking lot, cranked my stereo, which happened to be playing a little Metallica and left my still befuddled co-workers in a cloud of dust.

Ever put a ping pong ball in a blender? That would be me in the cab of my truck.

"WOOOHOOO!!!"

"Hey, I didn't know my little work truck could do 120!" I was weaving in and out of traffic like some idiot on....well....speed.

I got to my first stop. A nice lady. Again, I found myself sprinting like Carl Lewis to her front door. She came to the door with a smile on her face as always.

HiMrs.SmithI'mheretodoyourpestcontrolareyouhavinganyproblems?no?okI'llgoaheadandgetstarted.heydidyougetanewcar?it'sreallynice.wowit'scoldouthismorningdon'tyouthink?howareyourkids?

You could tell what she was thinking by the look on her face:

"Who are you and what have you done with that nice young man who does my pest control?"

I think I sprayed her yard and treated her fire ant mounds in 6.7 seconds. I'm not sure, it was all kind of a blur.

WOOOOOOOSHHHH! Off to my next customer!!! This stuff is GREAT!

I powerslid my truck into my next customer's driveway in a way that would make Bo and Luke Duke proud.

"Yes, ma'am, I'll get rid of your roaches. While I'm at it, why don't I paint your house, wash your car, change your kids diapers, fix your car's transmission, and type up your resume? Ok?

Umm..ok....

WOOOOOSH!!!

My God! I'm The Flash, Speed Racer, and Chuck-freaking-Yeager all rolled into one! I could really go places with this stuff! I felt the need to build something....like a skyscraper or something.....or play football again! Maybe the Miami Dolphins will hire me, God knows they need some speed on their offense!

The strangest thing about my new wonder-drug was not only being able to do warp speed, my mind WAS focused. I WAS thinking clearer.

"Holy cow! I know where Hoffa is buried! I know how the Pyramids were built! I think I even understand.....women!" Now I know what all those drug addicts are raving about!

I finished a full day of pest control stops before 12:30 pm. I even wrote this blog in 36 seconds.

But alas, we all know....what goes up, must come down. the effects are finally wearing off......

And now I sit here. Ummm.......

My minds gone blank.

Is 6:40 too early to go to bed? I uh....um.....

What was I talking about again?

Hey look, a kitty!